I’m on a mission to freedom. I feel completely trapped, suffocated by my own brain and I need freedom. I need to find self-love, respect myself, adore myself, challenge myself. I need a transformation, new skin, new aura, new light. I feel like my whole life is a waste, I’m wasting. My brain is wasting. My muscles deteriorating. No more excuses. I can’t live another day in the hell I’ve created in my head.
where nothing makes me happy. Not even the littlest things that I used to adore, like root beer floats or taking a walk are tiresome. I don’t know what else to do about this. I’ve always been under the impression that being depressed was a state of mind and that I could talk myself out of it. It’s not working anymore.
I’ve been on some form of anti-depressant for over a year now. And it’s just not getting any better. Trial and error, my doctor says and I’m starting to hate him. I just want to be happy with my life, with what I have and where I am. I desperately want to be quiet, just peaceful and calm and fucking happy.
Today is one of those days. I put on contacts but they just don’t seem to see as clear as glasses. Sure, I look prettier, but my head is killing me. And everything is blurry.
Today is one of those days. I put myself out there. Ventured out from my comfortable cocoon. I let her know. Yes, you hurt me. Yes, you effect me. You burden my mind and make me spin and I hate it. But I still love you.
Today is one of those days. I put my expectations on my sleeve. I expected a response. I wanted her to notice. I let myself be consumed. Looked through blurry contacts and what I saw wasn’t real. And I’ll probably do it again tomorrow.
I wish, just once, by maybe some freak occurrence of nature, I were able to catch and hold a bubble.
